My eyes wide open.

I am watching the relationship between my brother and his wife fail. Second wife. I hate to be at this situation because i clearly know he is the one who is in the wrong but can’t do shit. It has come to the point that i want her to leave to escape all this. I myself do not know how to handle the fact that my brother has turned into a male Chauvinistic asshole.

I told him point black that i am going to run very fast when i meet a man like him. When did the argument come about?

She doesn’t do it often but she usually comes home late either on fridays or Saturday. Now everyday she wakes up two hours earlier than usual to shower, then wakes the baby to feed her and by the time the baby has started drowsing of to sleep. It is my brother’s time to wake up and he said that just because there is a baby doesn’t mean his lifestyle is going to change. Meaning…he will make sure to bang everything. Closet doors, bathroom doors. He shouts asking his other 7 year old son if has had his breakfast and lets not forget that my sister in law was finally getting the baby to sleep so she grabs her stuff and go to work.

That all goes assunder when he does all that. I think to just piss her off. I don’t like the way he has chosen too. She has a life.

Just this April. She had gone to see her friends with the baby and she was in a fight with my brother. I was not at home that day. So i got home only to hear that when she returned he had apparently sent a message that she does not come back and she stays where she is.

She had looked at her message too late and well she knocked…knocked…tried calling him. She with the baby slept outsde in the cold all night and it broke my heart. I looked at my brother in a very different light.

He has never wanted to know who her friends are. Who her family is. He has never asked her if she has money when she plans to go to the clinic for the babies check up. Never asked how she is going.

Has never bought the little baby girl a cute dress or a doll. Nothing that makes you think that he is thinking of his baby girl. No.

And now with that routine she does of waking up and taking care of the baby and my brother wakes her back up and it takes another hour to put her to sleep making her late for work. Then she returns and takes a shower and the baby has already been fed by the house maid. She takes the baby, wash her, breast feeds the baby and stays like for two hours trying to make her sleep.

This routine goes on…every bloody day and on Fridays she returns home late and my brother has dubbed her a bad mother because she stays out late. Making it sound like she has been going everyday when she is everyday slaving because from what she is seen from my brother is that he may suddenly turn on her and kick her out of the house without having not planned.

I simply told him that, i would want a time out if it why i. Then he tells me that when i get a husband and i do not bring that bullshit into the house in which i responded that i wouldn’t need a day out if i am lucky and find a man different than him.

He then tells me that is motherhood. Honestly mothers do not complain about their motherhood but they just want respect and help because no matter how much a mother is supposed to go through. It is not right for them to do it alone. It is not right for them to be alone and trying their very best to be wonder woman. Wonder woman had Chris Pine for christs sake. Mothers all need a fairy nanny to just calm the children. Kids are not sunshine everyday. They are the stormy sea and they are the calm sea. They are the sea that you look at and gaze in wonder at the beauty.

My sister in law deserves fucking respect and i got a brother who is doing all this because she cursed at him. Cursed at him because she is here taking care of the baby doing all she can and she is also the step mother to his eldest son and she is also raising him up but my brother thinks he is super dad doing it all on his own. We are invisible. He thinks she does nothing.

He is a man with a wounded ego because she refuses to beg money from him because when she does borrow money. He makes it seem like the world depends on his shoulder. He reminds her down to the tidbit how much he has spent on her.

She tells him she is tired and he asks “doing what? Just breastfeeding the baby?”  She just wanted him to take her to the clinic. To chose an off day but he is forever working one would think he is getting shares from that job.

She is just so tired and he tells me he has locked the door that he is going to lock her out. I just look at him thinking “has this been him all the time?” Was he always like this?

Telling him she doesn’t need to complain. It is motherhood. Okay. So from his vantage point. Mothers should tirelessly leave her life like a robot. Mothers do not deserve a break.

 

 

 

First days in my new job.

Well let’s say I said it was awesome soon.

Its just been three days.I am experiencing.

1: Doubt.

My  co workers all speak my mother tongue Kikuyu that I was not fortunate to speak. 

They speak to me in Swahili the national language and you can’t help it but think they speak about me when they turn to speaking Kikuyu. 

But I am sure they talk about Me because they speak in Kikuyu and lower their voice. 

My other mistake. This was embarrassing. 

I used the toilet which I hadn’t known at that time but it was the bosses toilet and there was no water. So imagine the horror of asking them where to fetch water and this woman had seen me and as I was walking out with the bucket to fetch. They were like (Oh my Godding) me in Kikuyu. *you know? Like OMG she didn’t go there! And she didn’t flash?* 

Like hello!! I was heading to fetch the water. 

Then they resulted to tell me that we don’t use that toilet. Too late. I want to bury myself underground.

I am tempted to snap at them to stop talking in Kikuyu but what can I do? 

Tonight i have a connection to you.

I hold her in my arms. She licks her hand and I look outside my curtain drawned window. So bare and I see you.

Shinning down at me like a beacon in the night. I always whisper words to you. Sometimes so nonsensical that I laugh. 

Tonight. I whisper to you. So bright giving me light in the dark. 

The clouds keep you from me. They like an army gathered together to block you from me.

“Baby girl. 

The moon…look. It shines just for us. Shines despite the obstacles. 

Look. The cloudy army guards again flowing past but look like they aren’t moving,  Keeping us from such beautiful light.”

Such a beautiful night.

I have a debt collector who I owe an unlimited amount of debt.

You gave birth to me. 

You went to a far way land to support me.

Years passed. Connection fell apart.

You became a stranger who is very familiar to me.

Pays the house I live in. The food I eat. My education.

I have been a stubborn girl.

I rebel.

I am an atheist.

I am undecided about my future.

I am 23 years old.

I really made you mad this time.

I made you mad because of something I don’t really see any wrong with.

You have to have everything your way.

You expect me to turn to your tunes.

I rebel.

You say you are fed up with me. You have been silent for a long time and you have kept it to yourself.

I want to move out so bad.

I want to have a job and just get out from under your thumb.

I just don’t know where to start.

I don’t Want the words to hear every time I upset you is “if you don’t like it. Then move out.”

Someone would think you live here with us but you still live in that far away land and still want to run this household. My life.

I don’t desire to go to that faraway land to you and go deeper under your thumb. 

Its scares me most.

I do not want to need you.

Needing you is scary.

I am supposed to need you. Want you. You gave birth to me.

But your like a debt collector to me. 

I want to repay everything you have Done for me. 

I got into an unlimited debt that can never be enough no matter what I do.

Your a debt collector I want to repay this unlimited debt and I want to stay away from you.

I don’t want to build my future around you.

Makes me such a bad daughter. I am a bad daughter.

Staring at her…

Well that Title couldn’t get any more creepy…

I stare At her. 

The only thing I can accept that its a miracle.

She never asked to be born but something, somewhere, it was decided that she was to be born. 

I stare at her and wonder if she is born to be just a character but all I can want for her is to be the main lead character in her story.

Two months into my life and she has put herself into my future plans.

She is not mine. I didn’t go through nine months and gave birth to her. I exist in her life because of blood. Our blood ties us together.

I watch her rise abruptly from her sleep and stare at me and I grimace because its not been long since she last slept and putting the munchkin to bed is similar to me going to the gym. 

She then investigates her surrounding. Investigates her own body. How she feels. If she is hungry. In response. She opens her mouth and wails.

And I am back to the gym. 

Wanting but not getting…yet.

I want so many things. 

I want to get out of the house and have somewhere to go that is not planned.

I want a friend to hang out with and this friend to want to hang out with me.

I want a group of kindred people who will sing ‘one more day’ with me.

I want to have a man.

I want to miraculously wake up backpacking all over Asia.

I want to move out. 

I want a table where I sit and get lost in scribbling my stories.

I want to do something with my life that I will be so proud of.

I don’t want to go America. (Not cause of Trump. Lol.)

I don’t want to be waken up in the middle of the night by the mere fact that I hate my life.

I want to make a fresh start.

I want to eat without someone mentioning how many calories its got.

I want a lot of things.