I have only one List in my Bucket.

To not be alone on Christmas again. This will be in my every year list.

I am tired of it. Makes my heart heavy. Nothing important. Breaks my heart. My heart aches. 


The impression of not been alone.

 Often I would hear someone say that they want a large house. In a large piece of land where they build a large house that of course shows dominance and advertising that its a house built for the wealthy.

Yet here I don’t think I can live alone without a neighbour who lives close by. Enough to hear me banshee scream when danger strikes. 

I crave to hear the sound of a next door neighbor. Perhaps re arranging the room at 2 in the morning. The sound of life happening around me.

The impression of not been alone even though communication lacks between us. The silence of an area puts me on edge. 

And I don’t like that feeling.

Third Day After my break up with my best friend.

The words I wanted to say finally came after a day. 

Breaking up was hard to do. A friendship of 10 years and I finally came to term with the fact that I wasn’t her best friend after all. 

From what I heard of this best friend relationship was quite different from what I experienced and I was clinging on too much. 

I knew that I wasn’t her priority. She was a guys girl. You know those girls who had a lot of guy friends. Me hanging out with them made me feel cool until I realized they tolerated me because i was her friend, they called me a name. ‘Poxagi’ (I like poxing myself into their business) 

I just wanted to belong. That didn’t affect me at all. I remember asking if she defended me and she stayed silent. That was what affected me. 

I was insecure… Jealous…because of her. I wanted her approval soo much.

I didn’t realize how much she affected me until I sat down and actually evaluated our friendship.

I stay in South C and she stays in Ngong. The distance between our home is far and I would go to her place and even sleep over and when i asked her to come to my place she would make up some excuses. 

Now she had another best friend now the difference was another F was added at the end of the Friend. BFF. 

This BFF of hers stays in Nairobi west. A walking distance from South C. My bro asked me one day since he uses the route from T-Mall to pass through Nairobi West and enter South C and told me a shocking thing. 

He asked me why I don’t hang out with akina “BF” and I was confused and thus I found out that he sees them hang out at T-Mall. 

So she could make it to Nairobi West but not South C? 
Now this BFF was the perfect BFF who her ‘guy friends’ liked. They got into this group thingy where they were the small sister and I was just her friend.

Now 10 years later. 

I am the one to start conversations. I see a link that we would both like. I send. Books…we have things in common yet so different. 

I was the one to suggest we hang out. I was the one who got told excuses. I Was the one seen pictures of her hanging out with others and on Instagram see her actually propose to this other friends that they should hang out. Which she has never done.

And I was done been the ass licker. The booty licker. I was simply done. I told her and she was all I love you and I liked knowing you were around. “Knowing I was around to lick your ass?” 

I just hate how desperate she made me. She still makes me but I am going to change.

She turned me into those people who stalk her Facebook page, Instagram…

I hate how she made me and I ended it. There I felt so sad. I rarely cry for serious issues. I only cry for Sad movies but I felt tears just well up in my eyes and my brothers baby niece wakes up crying and I scold her. “What you crying for? I got more issues than you!”

I held her and pushed back the last tears I’ll ever do for her.